goodbye group text

Hey guys just dropping in here to let you know that I too have dropped my snowblower into a concrete pit and one of my AirPods has erased your contact info so unfortunately I will be unavailable on all platforms for any new year zooming and I can no longer respond as I am disconnected from this gathering completely unintentionally.

I’ve closed all my social media accounts, shuttered my website, my house went up for sale Wednesday and sold this morning. I’m writing this from a pay phone and I‘ll be nothing but a complicated memory by Boxing Day.

Pockets contain only the following: A Japanese passport, eleven dollars in gold bullion and a broken box cutter.

My only companion is a one legged man I call Handsy. He’s somewhat skittish and with good reason. I expect I’ll be wearing him as a fur coat before this night is through.

Lobster: a dream

I am working out of town with a friend. Our hotel is old - unwashed cheap flowered prints, the stale musk of cigarette smoke and dark carpets. We have driven to this place in a 1960’s red Cadillac convertible. I have been out and when I open the door to the hotel room my friend appears from out of the darkness with a cooked lobster in his hand.

They left us these, he says.

its not a cult

I don't think he’s trying to start a cult, but if he was I definitely wouldn't have gotten this tattoo on my inner thigh and I sure as hell wouldn't be giving him 25% of my income every month.

group text 2

I didn’t do any talking. I believe my after work activities included some brief sharp words and a shambling zombie walk directly onto the confines of my floor mattress

The devil has tapped me like a maple tree.

Here’s the spot I tripped backwards over those short shit-diaper smelling smokestacks and landed flat on my back in 3 inches of dirty snowmelt water. Pouring down my crack like a brown Niagara Falls.

Schizophrenia eh?  That is some slick as shit -grade A -mic drop level one-upmanship.

naked cats

Putting the four year old to bed. We read a few books and end with a dinosaur search and find book of which she knows all the answers to…amazing memory.

Lights out and very quiet until…..

Daad?

Yes I say.

She sits up. Very awake and very animated.

Would you let the cats in your room íf they were all naked like if they had all the hair off of them all like totally naked?

No fucking chance I think.

Of course I would sweetie I say.

Of course I would.

signing bonus

Non-negotiable signing bonuses will be as follows:

• One package COCK brand 4” luxury matchsticks

• One box imported Vietnamese back powder

• One penitent hair shirt

• One polka dot patterned carry bindle

deja vu

Serenity grows not as an extension of our will, but as an extra vestigial limb that must be removed by any means at our disposal.  In this way we can safely traverse the narrow crevasse back to and into the despair we so joyfully abandoned on the path behind.

kyjeretty

I light the cigarette like an acrobat, backflip to full splits in my crushed velvet suit, handing it up to her from the lit end. "For you, baby."  She hesitates before taking it, slight smile at her lips, just looking at me. She drags at it like sex and blows the smoke over my head as I stand.      

"What the fuck was that?” she asks and I laugh out loud.

1974

It was a warm night in 1974. I stepped out of my dusk pink '69 Chevelle and was transported instantly back to the night I lost my virginity in the middle of a road.  It smelled like trembling wet grass and guilt.

the sea of dead

The number of deceased humans to date is 107 billion.

I wondered how much space a graveyard of that size would need. Would the earth drown under its dead?

The answer is no.

69,086 square miles, from above such a underwhelming footprint, but imagine walking in the centre of that graveyard at night, a pale casting moon in all directions illuminating an endless sea of dead.

pool: a dream

I am walking on a four lane highway to the swimming pool at night. I crest a hill and below me is multiple vehicles driving the wrong way on both sides and there are head on collisions everywhere.

Wrecked vehicles and people screaming, smoke and fire. I can’t make sense of why it is happening.

A man struggles from a wrecked car in front of me with an injured leg and collapses yelling on the side of the road.

I pass by without trying to help and go on to the pool. I climb two flights of stairs and open a door onto a catwalk far above the pool to see that it is empty and dirty - rust filled and abandoned looking under random puddles of sludge and oil. I turn back to the highway behind and see the carnage is continuing - head on collisions chaos and fire everywhere the sounds of twisting metal and screaming flooding the air.

group text

Speaking from experience, I’ve found out the hard way that it takes at least a 1000 foot zip line before your kids start to love you

And then to be honest it’s all superficial at best, mostly centred around our ability to supply the provision they require and it’s not until after we die that they really start to wrestle with the complicated  relationship they were navigating with such damaged people that they didn’t even realize they were such an integral part of until it’s too late

It’s me absolutely but also my children.

Perspective is an insidious bitch that comes late by default

They are playing all the wrong notes. Bunch of talentless hacks think they can use their fucking Ai bullshit to shove creatives out of jobs all in the name of the fucking almighty dollar while the climate continues to fuck the world and hand power to closet Nazis while teenagers are being sold for sex and fentanyl turns the streets into forests of slumped over zombie statues staring at the infinity behind blank and glassy eyes

I suspect it might have something to do with you giving up your dream of becoming a stand up comedian. Or it could be late onset adult male Analismus Fuckbummary ™  but we’d have to run more tests

This is the sad truth of the modern elderly male.

Update - no. The devil has made a Pinocchio out of me.

My hands are wooden blocks and this is creating sadness and anger in equal measure.

The closest I’ve ever gotten to a rudiment is saying paradiddle out loud once in 1998

I had a Ralph but he died of cancer.

Also you should all be pleased to know that a brand new Sigur Ros album dropped today. First new album in 10 years

Just the first track has me already feeling the presence of god

And I mean that literally

Whatever spiritual wavelength these guys are broadcasting on is tapped into my cerebellum.

Oz

The child has never seen a city. Over the frosted rise breath steams in brief firefly puffs from their lips as towers grow before them, mirrors caught in early sun setting one side ablaze in garish frozen approximation of fire and glory.

What are they the girl says.

The mother has stopped and they cease beside her with suspicious looks over the white topped expanse and city beyond. The mothers breath lets out in sudden steaming cloud.

It’s Oz she says.

But it will not be Oz.

bones for the dying

I’d give you some if you ask, dying ones. Some bones, dry bones, these bones.

waves - a dream

Talking to the beautiful woman via FaceTime as she’s on set with friends prepping for a film. Emma stone is there. There are a row of trampolines outside the grassed area in the shallow ocean crawling with children. By now I am there in person. One of her friends walks by with her breast out. She has one arm. I have seen pictures of her with one breast out somewhere before and am not surprised. Rogue waves come through every half hour and as they reach the side of the 50 ft studio walls they grow to that height as well and a 50 foot wall of water rolls over the trampolines and disappears leaving a foot or so of water in the courtyard where we sit. With the last wave a boy washes in face down in the shallow water and someone says he’s dying. There are people standing around him one is on hands and knees trying to see his face without touching him. I can’t understand why they aren’t taking him out.  A man standing there says he’s dying but it’s not the water it’s the impact on the courtyard and I understand then that his skull is crushed and if they take him out of the water he will bleed out anyway.